A Twisted Tire Review Tale

A Twisted Tire Review Tale

by FR

Goodyear Tire Imaging Photo

Goodyear Tire Imaging Photo

When I started looking for a tire review I could understand, I did what any savvy shopper would do. I went to a search engine and typed in ‘tire review’. I was thinking I would get some useful specific information.

In fact, what I got was 391,000 hits and I could neither make treads nor tails out of what I was reading. I was overwhelmed with all this information and didn’t think I could trust a bit of it. How could I assimilate this much data into something useful?

Being a bit unstable and paranoid, I instantly became suspicious of the World Wide Web and the tire industry. I then looked up the word review and I found it had several meanings (it is a conspiracy!)

A review is to look at something critically, in this case a tire. It also may means that a writer has the license to give their opinion about the tire, thus swaying the reader one way or another, but not necessarily based on fact (they could just be trying to sell a no-good product). Another meaning for the darn word review is to look at the tires past performance.

As a suspicious consumer, I decided I would get impartial information first hand. I’d go out to the tire shops on a covert mission. I would have to lie. Before I left my house, I had to create my own accurate tire review questions. I made sure I knew what tires I had on my car and I complied a list of important questions to ask (stolen from the 391,000 web sites).

I walked into the first store and told the salesperson I was doing a report for a class at the university. I told some lame story about needing his expert and unbiased opinion (befriend your enemies) about which tire he knew to be the best all-season tire. I of course had to ask the, “Which is the best tire for the price question.” I threw in road noise and tread wear questions too, acting as casual as possible. I took notes and looked very studious. I know he never suspected me.

I then hit tire store two and three all the while trying to remember if I had taken my medication earlier in the day. I knew this was a crazy scheme, but what was I to do if I was to find the unbiased truth?

I could have paid online for a consumer report from an alleged unbiased company, but they might have sold my private information and signed me up for some weird memberships, mysteriously charging my credit card without my permission….

After I got home and pulled the blinds, I sat down at my kitchen table to review the information I obtained from the three different tire sales people with whom I had spoken. One tire brand swam in front of my bleary eyes. All three salespeople had freely shared this information with me.

I had done it!

I had made my own tire review and I knew it was true. I had beat the system, the twisted, bleak, and giant marketing machine created by greed and conspiracy.

Then my wife came home with a magazine from consumer reports and low and behold, she had found the same tires as me.

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